DENISE KROCHTA: THE AUTHOR’S BLOG

Controlling the Behavior of Others

Mon, 23 Jan 2012 10:53:55 -0800

I have now, officially, given up this daunting task of trying to control the thoughts and behaviors of others and what a difference it has made in my life! What was I thinking! It is just so much easier and productive to release that and just focus on what I am able to control which would be my thoughts, actions, choices, decisions, and how to relate to others trying to control me.
Clearly, it is a new daunting task, but I believe much more productive. As I have been doing in the past years, I have tackled this new frame of mind and action in a step by step (baby step, actually) manner and it gets easier each day. I am not all the way there but do recognize when I am falling back to old habits and immediately have a talk with my self about how far along I have come.
How does it feel to accept, really accept, how others are, what they do, and admit that there is not much I could do about it? Truthfully? It is immensely freeing. It is sometimes amusing, and I believe in some instances lifesaving (my life that is).
This took me years to get, and lots of hard work. It took lots of frustration, anxiety, fear, and sadness. This choice can be life altering so it needs to be made consciously and not flippantly. I think it is against human nature. All that being said, once I made the choice to begin this journey I have become happy with the choice.
To be clear, this does not mean that it does not affect me, what people do, what people say, what is. This only means that I accept that it is not my job to change what others do, say or believe ,and I have relinquished that responsibility. What a relief!
Think about it!

My Authentic Self

Sat, 31 Dec 2011 17:36:49 -0800

I wasn’t sure whether to post a blog tonight at the end of the year, or tomorrow at the beginning of the New Year. I don’t like to be negative and most of the time I think of 2011, it is with pain and fear. Yet, as I was sitting on the cliff above the Pacific Ocean today taking in the sun on this beautiful cool California day, kind of zoning out, it came to me. There has been something extremely good about this year, and I should be eternally grateful for it.
So, like Bok Tower in the picture above (I lived in florida for 33 years and passed by the road to Bok Tower Gardens about 1000 times and didn’t stop there until last week) I did something this year that I wasn’t able to do in my entire adult life. It really wasn’t my choice how it happened, yet it resulted in a major “shift” in my life.
You see, although it took almost the entire year, I discovered what the current vernacular calls “my authentic self”. Most of my life this was impossible because I lived in an environment of judgement, criticism, conditional love,disrespect, and irrelevance. Irrelevance being key. I’m not saying I was a victim of anything. It was more that I got caught up in believing what those around me projected about me, I guess really about them, and eventually it WAS me. Even though it was not my choice how it happened,I was removed from this situation and it was my choice where and how I took the opportunity to learn who I really was. I am sure I made a good choice. I will be forever grateful for this.
To me, your authentic self is who you are when no one else is there. Even more, it is as if you have been dropped into a world of only you and what you are and do and think is not in relationship to anyone else. Who are you really?
So, I learned that I really like my authentic self. I am not who I thought I was most of my life. I am so much better than that! I realize that there are those I have loved who not only don’t know their authentic selves either, but worse, I’m not sure they have one. This is a sad realization. Anyway, I’ve always believed being content and happy must come from within ourselves. It is wrong and impossible to expect someone else to make us happy and content if we can not get that from within ourselves.
Because of this discovery I believe great things will happen for me in the New Year. I hope that for all of you!

Make a Wish Foundation and Gratitude

Tue, 25 Oct 2011 12:00:55 -0700

There was a problem deciding what the “theme” of my blog entry was going to be today. It was important to me to speak about an event I attended and what it meant to me, yet there were two major insights I got from it and couldn’t decide which to share. So, I’ve decided both are equally important to share here, so I will share them both.
The other day I invited myself to an event at the beach just south of the town I live in here in Southern California. It was unique and something I really wanted to see. A local “Make A Wish Foundation” coupled up with a local civic organization and random members of the public to teach children with illnesses to surf. It was early in the morning and it was cloudy and cold. I expected them to cancel. I was thinking sick children, freezing air, freezing water and clouds. You wouldn’t be seeing me in that water! Well, everyone turned out. The parents with cameras,the kids in their wetsuits, the adults running the show, and the very animated surf instructor.
(Since I just recently moved here, I am still getting used to this love of surfing and commitment to early cloudy mornings in cold water by people of all ages, from 9-90. But, that will be another blog entry.)
I watched the excitement in the crowd. It was not only on the kids’ faces. It was on all the adults faces too. It hit me hard. These are parents and children taking a little time out to forget the drama and uncertainty of major illness in their world just for a morning. I had been falling back into my own life crisis and feeling sorry for myself for the past few days. This is just what I needed to smack me back into the life of gratitude and acceptance. You see, I had a sister who died of leukemia at the age of 8 and these kids really reminded me of her. They also reminded me that, although I have another life crisis going on, wouldn’t my sister give anything to be able to experiencing this life crisis rather than having died at 8 years old? Yes, I am healthy with lots to be grateful for. If I choose to, there are many moments in each day that I can recognize small miracles in my life if I look for them. I remind myself “why dwell on the agonizing current situation that I can’t do anything to change, while there is so much good and beautiful just waiting to be experienced and appreciated right in front of me?” Another lesson learned.
So on to the other “theme” of the entry. If you recall, why I do what I do is to give back and help others to learn to cope with loving an addict. It all stems from my experience with the addiction of my son. On this day, the reason I was watching this community project was because of my son. Grateful doesn’t seem to cover what I was feeling. For the past few years my son (27 years old and 6+ years of sobriety)has been participating in this community project. He worked with one of the young kids out in the water for over an hour and I could see how excited he was, almost as excited as the little kid, when there was success up on the board. I can see his big white smile from the beach. Later, when we were walking back to the car, he commented how really good it felt to know that he was helping these kids to forget, even for just a morning, the trouble of their illness. They were focused only on the water and the task at hand.I would never have imagined 7-8 years ago, during the depths of my son’s addiction, that I would ever experience moments like this again. Perhaps I should refer to these as humongous miracles, not small miracles. It is just difficult to explain. I just know that I am grateful, overwhelmed with gratitude actually, and mindful of not dwelling on the negatively that can consume me if I let it.
So, a reminder to all. It is our choice how we perceive our every moment. What do you choose?

Focus on the Now

Sat, 24 Sep 2011 11:59:10 -0700

The cure for anything is salt water - tears, sweat, and the sea. ------ Isak Dinesen
Wow ,this quote was made for me! My life this year, 2011, has been totally made up of all three! Of course, there probably have been more tears than sweat and sea, but it is still very true. By taking this quote as literally as I can I’m still trying to shift the weight from the tears, to sweat, to ultimately end up at the main cure being the sea.
So, here’s how it is going. Crisis first with lots and lots of tears. They are becoming less. I moved to the ocean and vacationed on the Adriatic, to calm my nerves and have something always to remind me of the good things in life. When I wake in the morning and see the ocean I am always reminded of this. This is not always enough. This is where the sweat comes in. I walk. I walk fast. I climb while I walk. I walk about 10 miles a day. While I walk, I sweat. Lots of sweat. Sometimes I cry while I walk (all that time alone). The “cure” is still a work in progress. I have faith this will work. I will persevere. Thankfully, there is always the sea. I am still grasping for something to trust. Maybe it is the sea.
Sorry for the overabundance of quotes today (character, NOW, and salt water). These days I have a hard time making a decision.

Another Day of contemplation

Fri, 26 Aug 2011 19:48:41 -0700

It was the most beautiful day and after spending time together all day, my cousin, aunt and i decided to take a ride up in the foothills/mountainy area just northeast of San Diego near the old mining town of Julian. It was just dusk and the views were spectacular. The road was very winding and it was very quiet. I mentioned that I thought it unusual in an area such as this that we hadn’t seen any animals, especially at dusk when they are usually out looking for food. I had just finished that statement when a rabbit ran out in front of the car, my cousin noticed a deer in her rearview mirror and most interesting of all to me was the hawk. A large hawk, wings spread wide, flew right at our windshield and skimmed right up past us and over the car, unscathed.
Why was this so interesting to me? Well, those of you who are familiar with my book, “Sweat” and some of my older blog entries know that the hawk has a special meaning in my life. It is always a reminder to me to return my focus to being more centered and grateful for the abundance in my life.
We often get distracted by the bad things in our lives, the things that hurt us and we become obsessed with. Although most often we have many many more things to be grateful for and feel good about, we focus on the bad. For me, it is always when I get to this point, forgetting what is good, that the hawks just appear, they come out of nowhere.
You might think this is a bit odd. I do. But, since it has been a common occurrence each time Ive lost focus on the good, for almost 8 years, I take notice and try to refocus on what is good in my life. So, today, I am grateful, calm, joyful, and trying once again to heal. Today is a good day.